The Gift of Desperation | A Transformation Testimony

by | Jan 25, 2021 | Uncategorized

Gift Of Desperation

A Testimony from The Addiction Connection Leadership

I’ll never forget the most desperate moments of my life…

21 years old and already in drug rehabilitation for a third time.  I found myself detoxing from opiates again but the worst part was I had lost all hope.

Leading up to this point, I had graduated a well-known boarding school top of my class and had numerous awards for athletic performance and community service.  My teachers couldn’t speak enough of how bright my future was.  So how did I end up here?  It baffled me.  The truth is my heart was desperately sick (Jeremiah 17:9) and, at the time, I was using performance as a temporary escape.  I needed an outlet for the pain and suffering that was inside.  Every day that I was seen exceeding and performing I was keeping a secret.  My secret was I wanted to end my life and I was in so much pain.

Before I even picked up a drug, I attempted to take my life and was sent to see a therapist at age 9.

When I came across drugs and alcohol I had thought I had arrived! I now recognize these thoughts as lies from the enemy but I truly believed I had found the feeling I had been chasing all my life.  Within a matter of a few years I lost a full scholarship to college, broken all relationships, and had overdosed twice.  I would have done anything to break free but nothing worked.  I tried deleting all the contacts in my phone, taking suboxone, asking someone to lock me in a room, and moving away.  But I took myself with myself and all were attempts to change my behavior while it was my heart that needed transformation.

So here I was in the darkness of one of many sleepless nights and in the darkest moments of my life.  I was desperate.  Desperate for what?  I wasn’t sure if it was a desperation to die or to live.  All I know is I wanted the pain to stop.  So I reached out and prayed to a God I had always proclaimed didn’t exist, a God I had never known, and a God that I had sworn off because as a small child I prayed a prayer that I perceived was never answered.

I said, “God, if you’re there– help me”

It was then I felt a warm peace come over me.  Someone was with me in the darkness.  I was not alone and I had the revelation that I did not have to live this way anymore for God was with me and would give me what I needed to fight this battle (2 Peter 1:3-4).  Days later, as much as I wanted to chalk up my experience to acute withdrawal symptoms, I was desperate to know more about God.  I was outside sitting in the heat of the day still sweating some toxins out when another client approached me.  He offered me a Bible.  It was a beautiful, new leather-bound Bible.  I had never had a Bible before.  And in my desperation to know more about God I took it.  I began to read that Bible and came to know about Jesus.  Everything I had once believed was crumbling and the light began to seep in (Psalm 119:105).  I read about the woman at the well, the desperate bleeding woman, and the prodigal son…. I could barely contain my excitement and joy to know it was Jesus!  He was with me in the darkness (Psalm 23:4) and met me in the mess of my sin!  He made a way to get to me even though I didn’t deserve to be saved.  He saw me, all of me, and still loved me and forgave me!  He offered me healing and freedom from the bonds of addiction, an addiction that so ensnared me I had once thought death was the solution.

Ten years later, I am still desperate for Jesus.

I am dependent on Him for my continued growth and freedom from sin.  He helps me to live from the victory that has already been won on the cross.  Jesus died for my sins knowing I needed rescuing not from drugs, but from myself.  Now, I feel led to detoxes and rehabs where the desperate can be found.  I hand out Bibles to those who want them.  I have shared the grace story the Lord has written for my life with many in those places.  I want to point them to the antidote – Jesus who is the Giver of hope to the hopeless, Great Counselor, and Healer.  There is no one like sweet Jesus!

He used my desperation as an invitation to be alive in Him and to save me from death!

I now live a life beyond what I ever thought possible!  He has given me joy and peace and has taken away that pain that plagued me even before I picked up a drug.  I no longer chase a feeling but stand firm on the truth found in Scripture and find rest at my Savior’s feet.  I get to counsel those in their desperate, darkest seasons.  He gave me a wonderful, godly man to do life with.  He gave me three beautiful children all at once through the gift of adoption because He adopted me first!  May glory be His forever! Amen.

More testimonies from our team at TAC can be found HERE.

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The Addiction Connection is a network of ministries who offer hope and healing for those struggling with addiction of any kind. Our network of encouraging resources, ministries, and biblical programs that stretch across America and the world will always point people to Jesus Christ for answers.  Members of our team are available for direction and wisdom for any of your addiction-related questions and needs. 

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